1 00:00:15,020 --> 00:00:16,020 Good evening. 2 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,360 Happy Easter. 3 00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:23,140 And in the strongest possible terms, hello. 4 00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:30,780 Now, I know some of you were disappointed by my speech on Wednesday, 5 00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:32,960 others of you did not watch it. 6 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:36,380 For those who missed it, here's a summary. 7 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:38,700 You didn't miss much. 8 00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:42,420 And honestly, I'm kicking myself. 9 00:00:43,980 --> 00:00:45,100 I let you down. 10 00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:48,100 But everyone deserves a second chance. 11 00:00:48,460 --> 00:00:50,940 Peter Mandelson's had four or five. 12 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:53,600 With many more to come. 13 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:56,360 So allow me to try again. 14 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:03,400 The conflict in the Middle East has entered its second month. 15 00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:10,220 But I can assure you we are working at pace towards a de -escalation. And the 16 00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:12,400 pace we are working at is... 17 00:01:12,750 --> 00:01:13,750 leisurely. 18 00:01:14,790 --> 00:01:21,050 I know that due to this war, Britons are already struggling, not only in 19 00:01:21,050 --> 00:01:25,410 England, but also in the top bit, and the side bits as well. 20 00:01:26,830 --> 00:01:33,390 Life is getting harder, and furthermore, goodbye. 21 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:43,600 Wait. 22 00:01:45,140 --> 00:01:48,320 I'm told there's a second page to my speech. 23 00:01:49,740 --> 00:01:52,820 Oh, that's right. The inspiring part. 24 00:01:54,820 --> 00:01:58,580 Look, I know I'm not inspiring. 25 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:04,820 When I applied to join the Samaritans, I brought the vibe down so much that the 26 00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:06,940 interviewer called the Samaritans. 27 00:02:07,940 --> 00:02:11,400 So I've asked some Britons that people actually like. 28 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:14,700 to help me put a pep in your step. 29 00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:19,220 First up, England legend, Harry Kane. 30 00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:27,780 Yeah, 31 00:02:30,460 --> 00:02:31,480 cheers. Nice one, Gaffer. 32 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:37,520 Harry, why don't you give the nation one of your rousing team talks? 33 00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:39,400 Yeah, obviously. 34 00:02:41,810 --> 00:02:45,950 The Strait of Hormuz is a really amazing war away. 35 00:02:47,730 --> 00:02:48,810 Always said that. 36 00:02:50,550 --> 00:02:54,350 Yeah, you know, at the end of the day, you know, Iran, they're sold in attack. 37 00:02:55,910 --> 00:02:57,150 You know, sold in defence. 38 00:02:58,750 --> 00:03:03,110 Yeah, could have said pieces too. So, yeah, just got to take it one more at a 39 00:03:03,110 --> 00:03:06,090 time. And, yeah, yeah, it's going to be nice. 40 00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:09,290 Thank you, Harry. 41 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:22,020 written with a smile that could light up a room, which could be useful when the 42 00:03:22,020 --> 00:03:23,100 power runs out. 43 00:03:23,780 --> 00:03:26,720 Film and TV star, Olivia Colman. 44 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:36,060 Oh, hello. Gosh, this is a bit sexy, isn't it? 45 00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:39,680 Flirting with Iran and playing with oil. 46 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:44,500 Next thing you know, there's an energy shortage or the power's off and we're 47 00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:45,500 snogging in the dark. 48 00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:48,500 Aren't I naughty? 49 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:51,400 Thanks, Olivia. 50 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,360 Love the enthusiasm. 51 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:57,600 Our final speaker combines two of my greatest interests. 52 00:03:58,340 --> 00:04:01,240 Outstanding British television and pork. 53 00:04:02,820 --> 00:04:04,080 It's Peppa Pig. 54 00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:12,720 Cheer us up, Peppa. 55 00:04:13,260 --> 00:04:14,740 Thank you, Daddy Care. 56 00:04:26,060 --> 00:04:27,760 different from how you seem on the telly. 57 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:29,640 And you're very similar. 58 00:04:31,780 --> 00:04:37,400 Well, there you have it. Big thanks to Britain's Big Three, Hurricane MBE, 59 00:04:37,660 --> 00:04:42,120 Olivia Colbert, CBE, and Peppa Pig, P -I -G -P. 60 00:04:44,380 --> 00:04:46,900 Oh, no. Here come the power cuts. 61 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:48,520 Friend for yourselves, everyone. 62 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:51,980 Olivia Colbert's trying to kiss me. And live! 63 00:07:03,690 --> 00:07:08,870 I'm Riz Ahmed and it is an absolute honour to be hosting SNL UK! 64 00:07:12,890 --> 00:07:19,590 Now, I'm an actor, I'm a writer, I'm a producer and I'm a rapper. 65 00:07:19,910 --> 00:07:23,730 So for those of you who don't know who I am, clearly neither do I. 66 00:07:26,110 --> 00:07:27,190 I'm working it out. 67 00:07:27,970 --> 00:07:32,030 Mostly I'm an actor, you know, and contrary to popular belief, I don't... 68 00:07:32,670 --> 00:07:37,770 play intense roles okay i also do some like family feel good stuff like for 69 00:07:37,770 --> 00:07:44,090 example do you guys uh you guys know the sound of music i did a film just like 70 00:07:44,090 --> 00:07:49,690 that called sound of metal it's almost exactly the same it's about a musician 71 00:07:49,690 --> 00:07:53,970 who's slowly going deaf and he's a heroin addict who lives in a van just 72 00:07:53,970 --> 00:07:56,530 sound of music and it feel good because you're not him 73 00:07:58,410 --> 00:08:00,390 But seriously, I've done some comedies as well. 74 00:08:00,690 --> 00:08:02,950 Some of you might have seen a film I did called Four Lions. 75 00:08:07,710 --> 00:08:11,750 That's what I'm saying. It's a feel -good movie about characters you can 76 00:08:11,750 --> 00:08:12,750 root for. 77 00:08:14,070 --> 00:08:15,070 Christmas movie. 78 00:08:15,430 --> 00:08:20,230 But I actually have just created and released my own comedy. 79 00:08:20,910 --> 00:08:21,910 It's called Bait. 80 00:08:22,110 --> 00:08:23,110 It's just come out. 81 00:08:23,830 --> 00:08:24,990 Thank you, thank you, man. 82 00:08:27,310 --> 00:08:31,570 Yeah, it's about an out -of -work actor auditioning to be James Bond. 83 00:08:31,890 --> 00:08:35,309 And the character is going through an identity crisis. And if you're wondering 84 00:08:35,309 --> 00:08:39,350 why I made a comedy about someone having an identity crisis, look at me, man. 85 00:08:40,590 --> 00:08:41,590 I'm confused. 86 00:08:42,470 --> 00:08:48,870 It's not my fault. I grew up in Wembley, but I went to Oxford University, and 87 00:08:48,870 --> 00:08:50,330 that's why I sound like this. 88 00:08:51,910 --> 00:08:54,870 Like a mix between Stormzy and Rishi Sunak. 89 00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:58,910 We've actually all got a track together on my next album. 90 00:08:59,570 --> 00:09:02,650 It's called Oi Rude Boy, Shut Up, This Is A Quiet Carriage. 91 00:09:04,130 --> 00:09:05,130 It's a bang. 92 00:09:06,330 --> 00:09:10,090 But, you know, I actually feel that even this show is having an identity crisis 93 00:09:10,090 --> 00:09:14,010 in a way. You know, we're three episodes in and your hosts have been American, 94 00:09:14,290 --> 00:09:15,930 Irish and me. 95 00:09:17,450 --> 00:09:21,310 Don't worry, next week, you know, we're going to have one of the nation's most 96 00:09:21,310 --> 00:09:23,810 prominent Asian comedians, Jack Whitehall. 97 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:29,980 You see how much he goes on holiday with his parents, man. That's so Asian. 98 00:09:30,220 --> 00:09:31,220 That's so Asian. 99 00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:34,700 Don't worry, Jack. Your secret is safe with me. As -salamu alaykum, brother. 100 00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:39,320 But sometimes I feel like the whole nation is having this identity crisis 101 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:42,840 that's why we're so divided, right? We're divided over politics, over the 102 00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:44,580 climate, over the Beckhams. 103 00:09:45,740 --> 00:09:48,620 But I think that I know how to solve it. 104 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:53,200 I think I can solve Britain's identity crisis. I think there's one thing that 105 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:54,200 unites us all. 106 00:09:54,480 --> 00:10:00,780 In essence, what makes us British is we like it when things are a little bit 107 00:10:00,780 --> 00:10:01,780 crap. 108 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:09,120 Not totally crap, but just a little bit crap, you know? We like that. We like 109 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:11,580 it. We like giving... Thank you, yes. 110 00:10:12,020 --> 00:10:16,140 We like giving crap compliments, you know? 111 00:10:16,340 --> 00:10:20,780 Someone says, he's a bit of a character. That means you're a knob, you know? And 112 00:10:20,780 --> 00:10:22,900 we like sports that are a bit crap. 113 00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:27,480 Cricket. can go on for five days and still be a draw. 114 00:10:28,580 --> 00:10:31,000 And we like giving gifts that are a bit crap. 115 00:10:31,220 --> 00:10:34,220 You know, like original sauce, mint and tea tree shower gel. 116 00:10:35,580 --> 00:10:37,800 My balls feel like they're in Siberia. 117 00:10:39,460 --> 00:10:41,000 Thank you for that, auntie, by the way. 118 00:10:41,940 --> 00:10:44,760 We celebrate when things are a bit crap. 119 00:10:45,060 --> 00:10:49,920 We literally cheer when someone drops their pint glass in the pub. 120 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:51,540 That's the best of Britain. 121 00:10:59,150 --> 00:11:00,590 we've got a great show for you today. 122 00:11:05,870 --> 00:11:10,050 Really great show. Actually, no, we genuinely have a fantastic show. It's 123 00:11:10,050 --> 00:11:12,710 un -British of us. We've got Kasabian here. 124 00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:16,730 It's going to be a banger. Stick around and watch this. 125 00:11:37,450 --> 00:11:41,490 A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud. 126 00:11:42,530 --> 00:11:46,630 I've never met a Gen Z girl who has her phone on loud. 127 00:11:47,590 --> 00:11:52,070 People come in every situation, and no one ever has their own vibration. 128 00:11:52,730 --> 00:11:56,710 A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud. 129 00:11:57,050 --> 00:12:02,390 Big school, basically a phone -free place. Sharing a clip of a girl on her 130 00:12:02,570 --> 00:12:04,690 Big, big kids, you're looking round for flex. 131 00:12:05,310 --> 00:12:09,030 How come she's the only one who didn't get the text? A man walks into a 132 00:12:09,030 --> 00:12:14,590 corporate space after committing a hated sex crime. He's really dumb. Very bad 133 00:12:14,590 --> 00:12:17,530 thing. He's getting cabled and the phones go dang. 134 00:12:20,430 --> 00:12:25,110 Calling all the texts on at once. All the phones are going off at once. 135 00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:27,630 Calling him a slut and he's a dirty dog. 136 00:12:27,930 --> 00:12:29,950 Every single phone's going crazy strong. 137 00:12:30,530 --> 00:12:34,610 A lot of people in TV and movies always have their phones on loud. 138 00:12:36,010 --> 00:12:39,590 I still understand the scene without the very loud text you found. 139 00:12:40,490 --> 00:12:43,010 Every text is expositional. 140 00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:45,970 Hey, Dad, can you pick me up? Now the mom's dead. 141 00:12:46,730 --> 00:12:49,110 All these texts are expositional. 142 00:12:49,350 --> 00:12:51,910 Let me just search that up on the Glinkle app. 143 00:12:57,750 --> 00:12:58,750 Hmm. 144 00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:01,230 Why does FaceTime never look right? 145 00:13:01,450 --> 00:13:03,690 What does your house have to do with your life? 146 00:13:04,170 --> 00:13:07,630 And how the hell is that the first best message that you've ever sent to your 147 00:13:07,630 --> 00:13:08,630 wife? 148 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,290 Well, 149 00:13:11,510 --> 00:13:16,670 while we're here... A lot of cops in TV and movies only have co -workers at 150 00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:17,670 their personal events. 151 00:13:18,110 --> 00:13:21,890 It's your 58th birthday, you're telling me none of your family went? 152 00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:27,870 It's only other cops at your house. Clearly no one wants to come to your 153 00:13:28,090 --> 00:13:32,570 It's just colleagues on your wedding day. And you've also got a colleague for 154 00:13:32,570 --> 00:13:37,250 spouse. One, two, yee -haw! Why is everything in TV and movies not how it 155 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:38,250 real life? 156 00:13:38,350 --> 00:13:40,370 iPhone's been waterproof since 2016. 157 00:13:40,750 --> 00:13:41,870 Why'd you put it in rice? 158 00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:44,550 And people answer the phone while they're having sex. 159 00:13:44,790 --> 00:13:46,490 The phone is car blue, so you'll always connect. 160 00:13:46,810 --> 00:13:50,830 CEOs leave email notifications, and the phone contacts include relations. 161 00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:54,650 The calls are always so fast -paced. iPhones have an Android interface. 162 00:13:55,090 --> 00:13:56,830 Yeah, because I've never seen a phone before. 163 00:13:57,050 --> 00:13:58,870 Make a confidential call at the Apple Store. 164 00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:04,850 But mostly it's the way TV and films all sound. 165 00:14:06,590 --> 00:14:10,850 With all the phones all off. All phones off. All phones off. 166 00:14:11,470 --> 00:14:13,570 So sort it out. 167 00:14:15,870 --> 00:14:17,390 Wait, Mom, slow down. 168 00:14:17,610 --> 00:14:20,150 Jason, my brother, your son, has been arrested? 169 00:14:21,870 --> 00:14:24,070 Don't panic. I'll order a goober there. 170 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:57,880 In today's challenge, our contestants added a whopping £4 ,250 to the 171 00:14:57,880 --> 00:14:58,759 prize fund. 172 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:04,320 But now it's time for the faithful to return to the round table. Can they 173 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:09,860 uncover who amongst them is a great big crab man? 174 00:15:15,980 --> 00:15:19,580 I'd like to start. This experience has been amazing. 175 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:23,780 But at the end of the day, we need to find the great big crab man. 176 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:28,840 But there's someone here I just don't trust. 177 00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:36,440 And that person is... It's yourself, Imran. 178 00:15:38,780 --> 00:15:44,460 Great, we're doing this again. I know I was wrong about Kaya, Mehul, and Issa. 179 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,120 I just can't see. 180 00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:56,120 Well, I'm obviously not a great big crab man. 181 00:15:56,700 --> 00:16:00,900 But to be fair, that is exactly what a great big crab man would say. 182 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:03,240 Okay. 183 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:08,520 Okay, I'm just going to come out and say, why is nobody looking at Sebastian? 184 00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:18,520 Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've only got two 100 % not a great big crab man. 185 00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,180 And it's myself, I'm Sebastian. 186 00:16:23,660 --> 00:16:25,320 Look at him, Roy. He's a flipping crab. 187 00:16:25,740 --> 00:16:29,820 See, getting defensive like that, it only makes you look more like a great 188 00:16:29,820 --> 00:16:30,820 crab man. 189 00:16:31,940 --> 00:16:34,080 Okay, okay. What about today's challenge? 190 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:36,600 30 seconds. 191 00:16:55,690 --> 00:16:58,070 So why was the acting so weird at breakfast? 192 00:16:58,450 --> 00:17:02,570 Because he's tired. He can only sleep in a bucket of fresh water for medical 193 00:17:02,570 --> 00:17:03,570 reasons. 194 00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:07,490 Can I just say, I'm actually feeling really uncomfortable by the energy in 195 00:17:07,490 --> 00:17:08,108 room tonight. 196 00:17:08,109 --> 00:17:13,050 To be fair to Imran, to be fair to Imran, all I've seen Sebastian eat is 197 00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:15,950 seaweed and invertebrates. And for me, that's suspicious. 198 00:17:17,329 --> 00:17:19,650 The time for talk is over. 199 00:17:20,250 --> 00:17:22,369 Now, it's time to vote. 200 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:41,560 Good luck, everyone. 201 00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:44,300 I'm sorry. 202 00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:47,780 It is what it is. 203 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:50,960 Sorry, girl. 204 00:17:52,540 --> 00:17:53,960 Imran, I'm so sorry. 205 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:01,400 Love you, man. 206 00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:07,960 Imran, you have received the most votes. 207 00:18:08,340 --> 00:18:09,700 Would you like to join me, please? 208 00:18:16,690 --> 00:18:21,350 Listen, yeah, I've had an amazing time. It's been an incredible journey and I've 209 00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:25,510 made friends for life. But there's something weighing on my heart and I've 210 00:18:25,510 --> 00:18:26,510 to come out and say it. 211 00:18:28,790 --> 00:18:31,330 I'm obviously not a great big crab man, you idiot! 212 00:18:32,330 --> 00:18:39,130 What the hell are 213 00:18:39,130 --> 00:18:40,130 you playing at? 214 00:18:41,730 --> 00:18:43,150 You've just voted off. 215 00:18:43,390 --> 00:18:45,890 Another not a great big crab man. 216 00:18:46,270 --> 00:18:49,590 And the real great big crab man is still out there. 217 00:18:50,150 --> 00:18:51,150 Laughing at you. 218 00:18:52,650 --> 00:18:54,950 Okay. Okay, I'm just gonna say it. 219 00:18:55,550 --> 00:18:58,090 There's someone who is slipping under the radar. 220 00:18:58,610 --> 00:19:02,830 And at tomorrow's round table, the person A will be looking at... Hey, hey, 221 00:19:03,030 --> 00:19:04,030 I'll pack my bags. 222 00:19:22,810 --> 00:19:26,550 Operation isn't that a game for like six -year -old? Okay. Why don't you give it 223 00:19:26,550 --> 00:19:27,109 a go then? 224 00:19:27,110 --> 00:19:31,550 Okay, I will It's simple you just 225 00:19:47,459 --> 00:19:49,540 Hey, babe come to bed. 226 00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:57,880 Yeah, yeah woman Kids get in the car. Mommy will 227 00:19:57,880 --> 00:19:58,880 be there in a sec. 228 00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:01,560 Are you coming or not? 229 00:20:18,890 --> 00:20:19,709 Are you coming? 230 00:20:19,710 --> 00:20:20,710 We're cutting the cake. 231 00:20:27,630 --> 00:20:28,790 It's just a game. 232 00:20:29,010 --> 00:20:30,250 It's not just a game. 233 00:20:30,770 --> 00:20:32,970 It literally is. It says it on the box. 234 00:20:33,230 --> 00:20:34,230 It sticks fast. 235 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:49,720 I can't take it anymore. 236 00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:51,540 We're leaving. 237 00:20:53,060 --> 00:20:56,680 I lifted it clean. 238 00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:13,600 So I'm there, just fully committed, waving at them, grinning like an idiot, 239 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:14,680 he walked straight past me. 240 00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:17,200 Oh, no. I just felt like such a plum. 241 00:21:18,270 --> 00:21:19,270 I've missed this. 242 00:21:20,270 --> 00:21:21,270 I've missed you. 243 00:21:23,130 --> 00:21:24,130 So have I. 244 00:21:24,970 --> 00:21:25,970 Help! Help! 245 00:21:26,170 --> 00:21:29,210 Is there a doctor in the house? One of our diners has collapsed. Are you 246 00:21:29,210 --> 00:21:30,210 serious? 247 00:21:41,130 --> 00:21:42,130 No, 248 00:21:42,630 --> 00:21:43,630 wait. 249 00:21:44,050 --> 00:21:45,050 I've got this. 250 00:21:45,110 --> 00:21:47,050 Yes. Honey, are you sure about this? 251 00:21:49,350 --> 00:21:50,350 Everybody stand back. 252 00:21:57,030 --> 00:21:58,030 Give me those. 253 00:22:22,700 --> 00:22:25,260 You have to believe me. They were supposed to be pieces. And then the bus 254 00:22:25,260 --> 00:22:27,180 applied. The bread bus. Whatever, sir. You're coming with me. 255 00:22:27,420 --> 00:22:28,420 Olivia. 256 00:22:28,700 --> 00:22:29,700 Olivia, tell them. 257 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:31,680 Olivia! 258 00:22:36,820 --> 00:22:37,180 This 259 00:22:37,180 --> 00:22:50,360 is 260 00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:52,120 OG FM coming at you. 261 00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:54,120 Old classics for old heads. 262 00:22:54,460 --> 00:22:56,400 It's all 90s music all the time. 263 00:22:57,120 --> 00:23:02,340 And we mean all the time. When we want to talk, we just turn it down very 264 00:23:02,340 --> 00:23:03,340 slightly. 265 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:08,440 On the deck, you've got MC Twister, DJ Tiller, and me, Lady Magnum, Pink 266 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:11,720 Lemonade. And yes, all our names are types of ice cream. 267 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:14,680 Coincidence. 268 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:20,840 If you remember these tunes from back in the day, then you are... 269 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:23,460 Shout out to my middle -aged brothers and sisters. 270 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:25,500 Coming at you. 271 00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:32,880 All right, all right. So tonight we've got some real talk for all you over 272 00:23:33,300 --> 00:23:34,300 Prostate cancer. 273 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,040 Real serious, but people don't talk about it because it's the butt one. 274 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:40,380 Using our platform for good. 275 00:23:40,900 --> 00:23:45,360 All right. We've got a mad guest in the studio here to educate us. It's Dr 276 00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:48,220 Rishi. Come on, big up Dr Rishi looking sharp. 277 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:51,860 I appreciate that. Um, yeah. 278 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:54,940 So, yeah, I mean, thanks for having me. 279 00:23:55,340 --> 00:23:57,340 Um, uh... All right, Doc, Dr. 280 00:23:57,560 --> 00:23:59,280 Noligenos! Yeah, sorry. 281 00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:03,880 Sorry, yeah. Well, prostate cancer is a condition that actually affects one in 282 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:08,420 eight men. Shout out to Michelle in SW5! Don't harm her, okay? 283 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:14,060 What do you think, Dr. Rich? 284 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:19,140 Right. Yeah, um, yep, so the prostate, um, it's small gland, it's just behind 285 00:24:19,140 --> 00:24:21,640 the, um... Shout out to Jane, the divorce is final! 286 00:24:23,740 --> 00:24:24,900 She's back on the pill! 287 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:26,120 P -p -p -p -p -p -pill! 288 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:29,160 Take your weight off! 289 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:30,419 Take your weight! 290 00:24:30,420 --> 00:24:34,500 Um, okay, yeah, okay, suppose, um, well, you know, diet is very important. Hey, 291 00:24:34,500 --> 00:24:36,120 oh, don't forget, Monday's a bank holiday! 292 00:24:36,540 --> 00:24:37,279 For the week! 293 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:38,059 For the week! 294 00:24:38,060 --> 00:24:42,320 What?! Diet is something... Tony, it's just... 295 00:24:47,630 --> 00:24:54,450 something even south and west statistically around 55 000 new cases 296 00:24:54,450 --> 00:25:00,710 okay i'm just trying to say before there was a diet is a good way to minimize 297 00:25:00,710 --> 00:25:04,010 your risk reducing red meat is sensible you should think about swapping it out 298 00:25:04,010 --> 00:25:08,070 with an oily fish perhaps a salmon or mackerel hey yo pick up the no feed come 299 00:25:08,070 --> 00:25:14,230 on um can we stop please i'm sorry can we just stop what's up big man 300 00:25:15,610 --> 00:25:18,310 Is there any way you could just stop the music just for like a minute? 301 00:25:18,650 --> 00:25:23,270 Sorry, Doc, this is OGFM, all 90s music, all the time. Literally, all the time. 302 00:25:23,370 --> 00:25:26,490 Yes, my sister, if you've got something important to say, you've got to ride the 303 00:25:26,490 --> 00:25:27,490 beat. 304 00:25:27,770 --> 00:25:29,130 What do you mean, ride the beat? 305 00:25:29,750 --> 00:25:31,390 Medical freestyle, off the dome. 306 00:25:34,130 --> 00:25:36,350 Seriously? Yeah, spit some wisdom, Dr. Rishi. 307 00:25:36,550 --> 00:25:38,130 Yeah, tell the people what they've got to know. 308 00:25:38,590 --> 00:25:39,590 Hypocratic oath. 309 00:25:42,930 --> 00:25:44,650 Okay, okay, fine, fine. Yeah, okay. 310 00:25:46,620 --> 00:25:51,400 Prostate, prostate, check it before it's too late. 311 00:25:52,580 --> 00:25:55,980 Early detection is vital for your survival. 312 00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:58,900 All right, turn my headphones up. 313 00:26:03,980 --> 00:26:06,520 Up a bit more, yeah. 314 00:26:07,030 --> 00:26:10,850 Don't hide away, get your PSA. The blood test is dead, so don't delay. No 315 00:26:10,850 --> 00:26:12,150 joking, stop smoking. 316 00:26:12,370 --> 00:26:13,890 I'm thinking, less drinking. 317 00:26:14,150 --> 00:26:17,510 Check your BMI. If the number's high, then we'll make a plan. Get your number 318 00:26:17,510 --> 00:26:21,050 right. If you're over 50, got a family history and your flow is weak, then see 319 00:26:21,050 --> 00:26:24,750 your G's, see all my G's in the back. Who are black? Your risk is higher, 320 00:26:24,750 --> 00:26:25,169 a fact. 321 00:26:25,170 --> 00:26:28,470 Don't be brave, don't act like a trooper. If you've got P's, don't wait 322 00:26:28,470 --> 00:26:32,170 future. Just call trooper, I'll pin it over. Please write me, happy birthday to 323 00:26:32,170 --> 00:26:35,410 ya. And if there's blood in your P, call 111. 324 00:26:36,100 --> 00:26:37,100 Dr. Ritchie, Dr. 325 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:39,300 Ritchie, Dr. Ritchie, Dr. Ritchie, Dr. Ritchie, Dr. 326 00:26:39,940 --> 00:26:40,940 Ritchie. 327 00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:33,820 As she goes, me again alone, I can't stop the 328 00:27:33,820 --> 00:27:35,520 voices. 329 00:27:37,660 --> 00:27:43,020 Now it's you and me, and I have lost the words. 330 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,820 I just keep on calling. 331 00:27:47,240 --> 00:27:48,240 What? 332 00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:25,680 years ago. 333 00:29:32,170 --> 00:29:33,690 It's not a great thing to do. 334 00:29:34,210 --> 00:29:39,030 We don't stop until you give us a chance. 335 00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:24,180 It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young. 336 00:30:31,540 --> 00:30:36,980 Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Paddy Young. And I'm Anya 337 00:30:36,980 --> 00:30:37,980 Magliano. 338 00:30:40,180 --> 00:30:44,760 The war between Iran and the US has entered its second month. 339 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:46,160 Second month? 340 00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:48,680 We're starting to get serious. 341 00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:54,840 This week, a US airstrike destroyed Iran's largest bridge. 342 00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:59,900 Responding to criticism for targeting civilian infrastructure, a senior US 343 00:30:59,900 --> 00:31:04,560 military official said, Oh my God, we're so sorry. We thought it was a school. 344 00:31:09,820 --> 00:31:14,920 President Trump has criticised the UK's Navy for being, quote, too old. 345 00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:17,780 Too old. Old for Donald Trump? What is it? 346 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:19,160 18? 347 00:31:21,100 --> 00:31:25,380 Responding to Trump's claims that our Navy was old and outdated, one admiral 348 00:31:25,380 --> 00:31:29,240 said, I'm going to go there and give them a piece of my mind just as soon as 349 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:30,240 wind picks up. 350 00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:33,079 It's true. 351 00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:36,000 The UK only has one submarine and half the crew are dead. 352 00:31:39,720 --> 00:31:45,400 Now, new data published by the NHS shows that in the last five years... 353 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:48,560 Referrals for body dysmorphia treatment have quadrupled. 354 00:31:48,900 --> 00:31:51,420 Well, they think they've quadrupled. They actually look fine. 355 00:31:57,340 --> 00:32:01,840 It's been revealed that meta -billionaire Mark Zuckerberg is building 356 00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:03,620 under his compound in California. 357 00:32:04,140 --> 00:32:07,960 And I hope he uses that bunker in exactly the same way Hitler did. 358 00:32:27,350 --> 00:32:33,370 In the last two weeks, online phenomenon Fruit Love Island has taken the 359 00:32:33,370 --> 00:32:34,430 internet by storm. 360 00:32:34,770 --> 00:32:38,850 It's just like normal Love Island, but the twist? The contestants are AI 361 00:32:38,850 --> 00:32:40,090 -generated fruit. 362 00:32:40,390 --> 00:32:44,950 Yes, this is genuinely a real thing that millions... of people are tuning into 363 00:32:44,950 --> 00:32:45,869 every day. 364 00:32:45,870 --> 00:32:50,530 Here to comment on this viral sensation is random, former, real Love Island 365 00:32:50,530 --> 00:32:52,350 contestant, Chloe Bibby Rinkle. 366 00:32:53,430 --> 00:32:54,430 No! 367 00:32:55,050 --> 00:32:59,710 No! No! It is so muggy! AI has nicked my job! 368 00:33:00,630 --> 00:33:06,270 It's taken me, a human, professional lady, years to perfect the art of 369 00:33:06,270 --> 00:33:07,330 cock under a bed sheet. 370 00:33:08,290 --> 00:33:11,470 Now, now people want to see a raspberry do it instead. 371 00:33:14,310 --> 00:33:16,330 What is that you're doing with your hands? 372 00:33:16,530 --> 00:33:20,030 Oh, so I'm using the base of my thumbs to quell the flow of my tears. 373 00:33:20,330 --> 00:33:22,090 It's giving Kleenex. 374 00:33:23,770 --> 00:33:28,170 Which series were you in? Oh, yeah, I was in series 12 and three quarters, The 375 00:33:28,170 --> 00:33:29,170 Villa in Djibouti. 376 00:33:31,290 --> 00:33:34,930 And what's it actually like to be on the show? Oh, my God, it's amazing. 377 00:33:35,250 --> 00:33:38,390 So, OK, imagine being trafficked, but in a nice way. 378 00:33:40,650 --> 00:33:43,130 Then imagine there's a pool, but none of us like to swim. 379 00:33:43,370 --> 00:33:45,530 Then imagine the memory of UK Garage. 380 00:33:45,770 --> 00:33:48,310 Then imagine getting a text. It was like that. 381 00:33:50,090 --> 00:33:54,770 And did you find love in the villa? Oh, yeah, I caught feels for Zebby Z. But 382 00:33:54,770 --> 00:33:59,390 get this, week after we left, I found out he was in fact a mirage due to my 383 00:33:59,390 --> 00:34:00,390 stroke. 384 00:34:01,510 --> 00:34:05,450 Sorry, but why is it so much grafting when you're a mirage? 385 00:34:07,340 --> 00:34:09,659 I'm sworn off mirages now. Big dicks, though. 386 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:15,679 Maybe it's for the best that you've been replaced with AI fruit. Like, with love 387 00:34:15,679 --> 00:34:18,500 and light, you don't seem well. Yeah, I'm moving spooky. 388 00:34:18,900 --> 00:34:19,940 I'm moving spooky. 389 00:34:21,860 --> 00:34:26,540 Cos, like, Anya, of course I would love to be a cherry with a fanny. 390 00:34:27,380 --> 00:34:28,699 Of course I would. 391 00:34:28,940 --> 00:34:33,800 But I have to accept that I'm a human woman with a brain. Like it or lump it. 392 00:34:35,469 --> 00:34:39,730 British public wants to see a peach cracking onto a tomato, then so be it. A 393 00:34:39,730 --> 00:34:41,989 tomato isn't a fruit, by the way. It is a fruit! 394 00:34:44,690 --> 00:34:46,810 It's Easter! 395 00:34:58,570 --> 00:35:02,010 That's right, the time of year where we celebrate the only murdered Palestinian 396 00:35:02,010 --> 00:35:03,190 we're allowed to talk about. 397 00:35:14,190 --> 00:35:15,190 Test crisis continues. 398 00:35:20,550 --> 00:35:27,330 Keir Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of bock, has been 399 00:35:27,330 --> 00:35:31,290 unable to convince doctors to call off their upcoming six -day strike. 400 00:35:31,550 --> 00:35:36,130 So, a gentle reminder that with no doctors on call, what goes up your butt 401 00:35:36,130 --> 00:35:38,390 stay up your butt for the best part of a week. 402 00:35:38,930 --> 00:35:40,530 And it will be the best part. 403 00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:47,000 According to a police report, at the scene of his car crash in Florida last 404 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:50,120 week, Tiger Woods had two opioid pills in his pocket. 405 00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:53,500 Woods claimed he was only keeping them in his pocket because he'd run out of 406 00:35:53,500 --> 00:35:54,500 room in his bloodstream. 407 00:35:56,280 --> 00:36:01,720 The Artemis II mission has seen four NASA astronauts set off for the far side 408 00:36:01,720 --> 00:36:02,339 the moon. 409 00:36:02,340 --> 00:36:05,280 And if you're wondering why they're so obsessed with the back of the moon, 410 00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:06,840 that's where the bum is. 411 00:36:09,340 --> 00:36:14,080 Inspired by the success of Artemis II, Britain's space agency is flying its own 412 00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:17,820 rocket to the moon, and it will, just as soon as the wind picks up. 413 00:36:20,520 --> 00:36:25,760 In lighter news this week, an adorable little dormouse was found dozing in an 414 00:36:25,760 --> 00:36:28,320 old helium balloon caught in a tree in Essex. 415 00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:32,180 Here to tell us about his big adventure is an adorable little dormouse. 416 00:36:36,140 --> 00:36:37,180 Hi, guys. 417 00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:39,060 I'm adorable to be here. 418 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:44,520 Oh, you're so cute. It is so wonderful to have you here, an adorable little 419 00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:45,520 doormouse. 420 00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:48,600 Cool. Look at all these big, scary cameras. 421 00:36:48,880 --> 00:36:50,380 Oh, it's okay. Don't be intimidated. 422 00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:53,400 Okay, camera three, where you at? Camera three, where you at? 423 00:36:53,980 --> 00:36:55,400 Okay, camera three, you got me, girl? 424 00:36:56,140 --> 00:36:57,140 Hey, 425 00:36:57,600 --> 00:37:01,260 Vogue, I'm an adorable little doormouse, and this is what's in my bag. 426 00:37:04,260 --> 00:37:07,940 Okay, so up first, you just know it's a little buttercup that I sometimes wear 427 00:37:07,940 --> 00:37:08,940 as a hat. 428 00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:15,400 Next up, oh, I don't go anywhere without my ethop hyaluronic face misdefense 429 00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:16,400 barrier. 430 00:37:17,520 --> 00:37:18,640 Shout out to ethop. 431 00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:23,620 And up next, this one's kind of a little bit crazy and a bit freaky, but it's 432 00:37:23,620 --> 00:37:24,620 hot sauce. 433 00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:28,420 Sorry, are you just making content? 434 00:37:28,800 --> 00:37:33,620 I'm an influencer, Anya. My adorable story is blowing up and it's my time to 435 00:37:33,620 --> 00:37:37,160 shine. I'm only going to live for four years, Anya, and I'll spend three of 436 00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:38,160 those years hibernating. 437 00:37:38,380 --> 00:37:39,640 I've got to grab my moment. 438 00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:45,200 And that's why, over the course of this answer, I've already moved on from being 439 00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:47,420 an influencer to being a red carpet reporter. 440 00:37:48,580 --> 00:37:51,660 Anya! Anya! Hey, girl. We're here with Vershka Jeans. What are you wearing, 441 00:37:51,720 --> 00:37:52,720 girl? Tell me what you're wearing. 442 00:37:52,860 --> 00:37:55,280 Don't tell me. It's the Boys With Character collection from Georgia Asda. 443 00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:58,760 You look amazing, Anya, girl. You hungry, girl? 444 00:37:59,920 --> 00:38:06,060 In my Subway take, I think that... I think that raspberries are nice. 445 00:38:06,300 --> 00:38:08,420 I knew it was energy. I knew it was energy. 446 00:38:08,700 --> 00:38:09,700 Oh, wow. 447 00:38:10,670 --> 00:38:13,910 He's so cute. You really are moving through the life cycle of fame at an 448 00:38:13,910 --> 00:38:14,950 unbelievable rate. 449 00:38:15,470 --> 00:38:22,070 Welcome back to Of Dormice and Man, where I'm cooking with my guest, Anya 450 00:38:22,070 --> 00:38:24,550 Magliano, about me being adorable. 451 00:38:25,050 --> 00:38:27,170 Oh, you've got a podcast now. 452 00:38:27,650 --> 00:38:30,730 Being adorable was always my superpower, you know. 453 00:38:31,750 --> 00:38:36,390 Suddenly, I realized that people wanted me to be adorable all the time, and I 454 00:38:36,390 --> 00:38:37,450 could never be off. Sorry. 455 00:38:37,690 --> 00:38:38,690 Sorry. 456 00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:45,420 But now, my listeners can get help to switch off thanks to our sponsor, 457 00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:46,680 Dignitas. 458 00:38:48,300 --> 00:38:51,140 Dignitas? Is that bad? Sorry, please don't cancel me. 459 00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:55,960 We can never cancel you, adorable little door mouth. 460 00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:59,740 Well, wait and see. I have invested my money in some weird things. 461 00:39:12,400 --> 00:39:16,820 met police officers have been taken off duty after a bag of guns was 462 00:39:16,820 --> 00:39:18,800 accidentally left on the street in London. 463 00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:23,520 I feel sorry for the police. Sometimes you're so busy killing women that you 464 00:39:23,520 --> 00:39:26,620 forget where you left your bloody machine gun. What am I like? 465 00:39:29,380 --> 00:39:33,220 The government is passing new laws to make it easier to cancel online 466 00:39:33,220 --> 00:39:36,380 subscriptions and unwanted auto renewals. Good news for me. 467 00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:39,140 Bad news for Dr. Chove's penis pump emporium. 468 00:39:40,270 --> 00:39:42,190 Platinum Club is about to lose a member. 469 00:39:45,350 --> 00:39:51,550 A rainbow boa constrictor has miraculously given birth without 470 00:39:51,550 --> 00:39:52,550 the second time. 471 00:39:53,490 --> 00:39:57,190 Does anyone else find it kind of weird that God keeps bonking this steak? 472 00:40:00,990 --> 00:40:05,830 A peacock named Pete, who has recently taken up residence in Surrey, has 473 00:40:05,830 --> 00:40:08,090 reportedly learned to knock on doors with his beak. 474 00:40:08,800 --> 00:40:12,240 Sadly, he's doing so to alert the neighborhood that he's a registered sex 475 00:40:12,240 --> 00:40:13,240 offender. 476 00:40:16,100 --> 00:40:19,680 According to a new report from the Department of Education, children under 477 00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:23,720 should have no more than one hour of screen time per day to help improve 478 00:40:23,720 --> 00:40:25,480 physical health and family relationships. 479 00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:30,080 To discuss the impact this might have on parenting, here's a father and son who 480 00:40:30,080 --> 00:40:31,080 still do skin on skin. 481 00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:50,240 Thank you for having us. 482 00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:52,360 No problem. 483 00:40:52,660 --> 00:40:55,720 Now, let's talk about screen time. 484 00:40:56,580 --> 00:41:03,000 It's a scourge. It breaks my heart to get up that carvery and see all 485 00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:05,220 families glued to their phones. 486 00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:08,040 Nobody looking at the pork. 487 00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:12,160 Why can't everyone just be normal? 488 00:41:13,780 --> 00:41:17,960 Yeah. My boys never looked at the screen. 489 00:41:22,030 --> 00:41:23,030 He's thriving. 490 00:41:24,270 --> 00:41:26,250 Yeah, you guys clearly have a strong bond. 491 00:41:26,910 --> 00:41:28,590 Is that because you're screen free? 492 00:41:29,010 --> 00:41:30,610 Yeah, I don't need an iPad. 493 00:41:30,890 --> 00:41:37,230 I can just pad this chest and feel the happy hormones start g -g -g -gushing. 494 00:41:38,790 --> 00:41:40,170 Why are you still doing this? 495 00:41:40,430 --> 00:41:44,330 Well, the midwife recommended it for as long as you can. 496 00:41:44,930 --> 00:41:48,070 It was great when I was a baby, but it's better now I'm 32. 497 00:41:50,350 --> 00:41:53,570 It's nice to know when things are stressful at work, but I can get home 498 00:41:53,570 --> 00:41:54,750 right on to Dad. 499 00:41:56,550 --> 00:41:58,810 So, how does it reduce stress? 500 00:41:59,190 --> 00:42:00,190 Many, many ways. 501 00:42:00,510 --> 00:42:06,450 It regulates the heart rate, slows the breathing, helps with the breastfeeding. 502 00:42:08,070 --> 00:42:10,650 Breastfeeding? Men have got the glums as well. 503 00:42:11,490 --> 00:42:16,730 It just takes discipline, Paddy. Nobody has discipline these days. 504 00:42:22,480 --> 00:42:26,180 That's the best bit New 505 00:42:26,180 --> 00:42:31,420 newborn baby smell 506 00:42:31,420 --> 00:42:38,420 Well, it's that but older This is unconventional, but 507 00:42:38,420 --> 00:42:40,780 I have to tell you guys seem really happy 508 00:42:44,330 --> 00:42:47,470 Last Christmas, we got two uncles and a cousin on here. 509 00:42:48,370 --> 00:42:51,310 Pop that shirt off, Paddy lad. Don't be a stranger. 510 00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:56,010 Thank you. Father and son who still do skin on skin. Let me get in here. 511 00:43:39,560 --> 00:43:43,580 We are gathered here because the Royal Society of Literature issued a challenge 512 00:43:43,580 --> 00:43:49,060 to conceive a work of gothic horror that taps into mankind's deepest, most 513 00:43:49,060 --> 00:43:50,460 universal fear. 514 00:43:51,200 --> 00:43:54,500 Tonight, three authors present their work. 515 00:43:54,920 --> 00:44:01,040 Miss Eliza Faust, Mr. Edmund Blackthorn, and Sir Humphrey Cosgrave. 516 00:44:06,900 --> 00:44:08,040 Miss Faust? 517 00:44:08,490 --> 00:44:09,490 You have the floor. 518 00:44:10,410 --> 00:44:15,950 Tonight I present the story of an immortal count who feeds upon the blood 519 00:44:15,950 --> 00:44:20,210 living. I call it... Nosferatu. 520 00:44:22,850 --> 00:44:24,230 Quite horrifying. 521 00:44:25,090 --> 00:44:26,410 Mr. Blackthorn. 522 00:44:26,670 --> 00:44:33,330 In my hands, the tale of a man cursed by the moon with an insatiable 523 00:44:33,330 --> 00:44:37,030 bloodlust. I give you... The Wolfman. 524 00:44:41,000 --> 00:44:42,940 And finally, Sir Humphrey. 525 00:44:43,880 --> 00:44:49,940 Esteemed colleagues, I present a tale of unspeakable terror. 526 00:44:50,560 --> 00:44:55,740 I give you... The Bastard Seagull. 527 00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:05,080 Okay. Okay, question. 528 00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:09,340 Um, sorry, I'm confused. 529 00:45:09,850 --> 00:45:13,690 Is this like an evil seagull? It won't bloody leave! 530 00:45:15,050 --> 00:45:16,050 Bastard! 531 00:45:16,630 --> 00:45:22,550 Okay, not exactly a universal fear, but a valiant effort. Perhaps now let's hear 532 00:45:22,550 --> 00:45:23,770 a passage from Miss House. 533 00:45:24,090 --> 00:45:25,850 Greetings, gentlemen. 534 00:45:30,230 --> 00:45:31,630 It was dawn. 535 00:45:32,490 --> 00:45:37,830 At fragile hour, when night still clings to the edges of the world. 536 00:45:42,350 --> 00:45:48,990 to find the seagull very close, but a pube's length from his face. 537 00:45:50,430 --> 00:45:57,170 He screamed, But the bastard didn't give 538 00:45:57,170 --> 00:46:00,890 one single toss. 539 00:46:02,950 --> 00:46:05,390 Okay, let's move on. Mr. Blackthorn. 540 00:46:05,630 --> 00:46:09,070 Sorry, um, why is there a seagull in this man's bedroom? 541 00:46:09,370 --> 00:46:11,050 It keeps coming in the window. 542 00:46:13,130 --> 00:46:14,570 and he just shut it. It's stuck. 543 00:46:15,530 --> 00:46:21,290 It's like one of those old satchel windows and it's totally jammed. 544 00:46:22,710 --> 00:46:27,170 Sorry, is the whole book about a man who has a seagull in his bedroom? 545 00:46:27,390 --> 00:46:30,770 Not all of it. Some of it's about trying to get in touch with your landlord. 546 00:46:33,050 --> 00:46:37,690 Sir Humphrey, may I remind you this is meant to be a work of gothic horror. 547 00:46:37,970 --> 00:46:40,330 It's clearly a household maintenance issue. 548 00:46:40,630 --> 00:46:42,390 Yes, Mr. Blackthorn. Thank you. 549 00:46:43,120 --> 00:46:45,000 Why can't he just fix the window? 550 00:46:45,260 --> 00:46:46,260 He's tried. 551 00:46:46,740 --> 00:46:51,320 Every time he gets anywhere near it, they all go mental. 552 00:46:52,700 --> 00:46:57,340 Wait, there's more than one seagull? Yeah, the bastard brought his bastard 553 00:46:57,340 --> 00:46:58,340 friends. 554 00:46:59,100 --> 00:47:02,620 Honestly, it feels more like their place than his at this point. 555 00:47:03,700 --> 00:47:04,700 Don't shake! 556 00:47:04,740 --> 00:47:08,160 Please, can we move on to one of the other books? Yes, you, sir. 557 00:47:10,890 --> 00:47:14,390 Has the seagull guy thought about introducing a bird of prey to scare them 558 00:47:14,550 --> 00:47:16,070 Yeah, well, he got an owl. 559 00:47:16,990 --> 00:47:19,590 And it's only made it worse. 560 00:47:19,930 --> 00:47:22,530 Because, look, the seagulls didn't leave. 561 00:47:22,830 --> 00:47:25,510 And now the owl thinks he's its baby. 562 00:47:25,890 --> 00:47:31,950 And it keeps vomiting his old field mice down his throat. Well, yeah, yeah, and 563 00:47:31,950 --> 00:47:33,010 I tell you about it. 564 00:47:33,390 --> 00:47:36,150 And the whole room stinks. 565 00:47:37,150 --> 00:47:39,170 And now there's a badger. 566 00:47:39,530 --> 00:47:40,570 Stop, sir. 567 00:47:40,880 --> 00:47:41,880 Stop! 568 00:47:42,220 --> 00:47:43,220 Stop! 569 00:47:43,580 --> 00:47:47,640 You are asked to capture mankind's deepest fears, but this, I think, is 570 00:47:47,640 --> 00:47:50,380 something that's happened specifically to you because you can't close your 571 00:47:50,380 --> 00:47:52,940 windows. How dare you, sir! 572 00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:59,080 The bastard seagull is a work of universal terror! 573 00:47:59,640 --> 00:48:03,020 There is nothing scary about a seagull, sir! 574 00:49:22,190 --> 00:49:23,149 Release the pressure. 575 00:49:23,150 --> 00:49:24,510 Release the pressure. 576 00:49:24,970 --> 00:49:26,290 Release the pressure. 577 00:49:51,690 --> 00:49:56,070 It's a time for life to pull you away. 578 00:49:58,650 --> 00:50:04,470 We were so far from home, locked down around that home. No one to save our 579 00:50:04,530 --> 00:50:05,910 about to lose control. 580 00:50:06,430 --> 00:50:11,690 We were so far from home, locked down around that home. No one to save our 581 00:50:11,810 --> 00:50:13,370 about to lose control. 582 00:50:37,420 --> 00:50:38,820 That's what it's all about. 583 00:51:49,120 --> 00:51:52,580 Basically, I keep having nightmares that I'm going to leave my baby on the bus, 584 00:51:52,640 --> 00:51:54,860 which is weird because I never take the bus. 585 00:51:55,920 --> 00:51:59,340 Sasha, darling, you could leave your baby anywhere. 586 00:52:00,600 --> 00:52:03,520 Hi. Hi. Sorry we're late. Sorry. Hi. 587 00:52:03,740 --> 00:52:05,700 You must be Nick. Well, welcome. 588 00:52:06,080 --> 00:52:09,380 Oh, thank you. Look, before you meet my partner, I just wanted to give you a 589 00:52:09,380 --> 00:52:10,380 heads up. 590 00:52:10,580 --> 00:52:13,700 Big weekend coming up. A lot of big feelings. 591 00:52:14,600 --> 00:52:15,600 Oh! 592 00:52:16,180 --> 00:52:17,180 Oh! 593 00:52:23,310 --> 00:52:25,030 No one look at me. I'm a house. 594 00:52:26,590 --> 00:52:29,010 Oh, my God. That's the Easter Bunny. 595 00:52:29,290 --> 00:52:32,550 Oh, well, we'll do pickies later. Nick, give me a hand. Okay, give me a hand. 596 00:52:32,650 --> 00:52:34,850 Don't drop me. Don't drop me. Don't drop me. Oh! 597 00:52:37,130 --> 00:52:38,130 Oh! 598 00:52:38,430 --> 00:52:40,550 Oh! Oh, Pascal. 599 00:52:41,290 --> 00:52:44,790 Can I just say, it's so nice to see another gay couple here. 600 00:52:45,030 --> 00:52:48,710 Yeah, seriously, so nice. We meet a couple like you, and it's like, yes, 601 00:52:48,710 --> 00:52:50,710 are the exact same thing as us. 602 00:52:53,420 --> 00:52:58,340 That exact same thing. So, Nick and Pascal, how are you feeling? 603 00:52:58,800 --> 00:53:01,960 Oh, gosh. I mean, all the normal stuff, I think, right? 604 00:53:02,240 --> 00:53:03,240 Nervous, excited. 605 00:53:03,540 --> 00:53:08,440 Yeah, yeah. Really stressed about pushing all 82 million of them out. 606 00:53:11,520 --> 00:53:14,080 But, hey, what are people supposed to do? 607 00:53:14,400 --> 00:53:15,660 Not have Easter eggs. 608 00:53:16,520 --> 00:53:19,740 Oh, my God. You give birth to Easter eggs? 609 00:53:20,580 --> 00:53:21,700 No, he does. 610 00:53:27,100 --> 00:53:28,820 Gosh, sorry, I suddenly feel a bit sick. 611 00:53:29,480 --> 00:53:32,220 I think Easter eggs were all made in factories. 612 00:53:33,020 --> 00:53:35,900 Then I suggest you educate yourself on queer history, my love. 613 00:53:37,820 --> 00:53:40,100 Somehow I don't think it's a queer thing. 614 00:53:40,680 --> 00:53:41,680 Well, what is it then? 615 00:53:42,380 --> 00:53:46,060 I don't know anything about gay culture, so this is a real education for me. 616 00:53:47,380 --> 00:53:49,760 No, please don't learn anything from this. 617 00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:54,280 Well, I think it's a very generous thing you're doing, carrying... all those 618 00:53:54,280 --> 00:53:56,480 eggs and giving them away to people. 619 00:53:56,740 --> 00:53:59,080 Oh, thanks, doll. I mean, my body's shot. 620 00:53:59,420 --> 00:54:01,900 My nipples are so long you could braid them. 621 00:54:02,700 --> 00:54:05,760 Oh, that's a good idea for Bella's wedding. You know, braid my nipples. 622 00:54:06,680 --> 00:54:10,200 You must be so proud watching the whole nation eat them. What? 623 00:54:13,140 --> 00:54:14,140 Do you think? 624 00:54:14,330 --> 00:54:17,770 People raise the eggs as their children. Can we please not pull the curtain back 625 00:54:17,770 --> 00:54:18,770 on this? Thank you. 626 00:54:18,890 --> 00:54:23,170 My ears are famously huge, Nick. You're not even covering up the holes. 627 00:54:24,210 --> 00:54:28,470 Babe, babe, babe, babe, don't freak out. No, no, no, no. Is it true what he 628 00:54:28,470 --> 00:54:29,470 said, the foreign one? 629 00:54:31,150 --> 00:54:32,150 I'm Scottish. 630 00:54:32,950 --> 00:54:36,590 Babe, the eggs, they're chocolate. 631 00:54:37,730 --> 00:54:40,470 Nick, you're scaring me. 632 00:54:42,730 --> 00:54:45,630 Chocolate is food, Pascal. I can't shield you from this anymore. 633 00:54:46,590 --> 00:54:49,330 They eat the eggs because chocolate is food. 634 00:54:49,670 --> 00:54:53,650 But hey, hey, those eggs make a lot of people very happy. 635 00:54:55,090 --> 00:54:56,630 They do? 636 00:54:56,890 --> 00:55:03,730 Yes, children and adults who are too close to their parents and people 637 00:55:03,730 --> 00:55:05,570 who win crap raffles in May. 638 00:55:06,010 --> 00:55:09,310 It gives so many people so much joy. 639 00:55:09,550 --> 00:55:10,890 I love you. 640 00:55:11,210 --> 00:55:15,830 I'm so proud of you and I'm proud of us and I'm proud of you and proud of us. 641 00:55:16,890 --> 00:55:20,270 Is it rude to ask, like, where the eggs come out of? 642 00:55:21,850 --> 00:55:24,470 How dare you? 643 00:55:26,450 --> 00:55:32,250 This rabbit has been giving birth every year since 1873. 644 00:55:33,110 --> 00:55:35,890 Crack house pit bulls lead better lives. 645 00:55:36,230 --> 00:55:39,690 You know what? You know what? I am wrung out like a flannel. 646 00:55:40,030 --> 00:55:45,250 And you've done nothing but belittle me, him, and our community since we've 647 00:55:45,250 --> 00:55:48,970 arrived. Boys, as an ally, I am mortified. 648 00:55:49,230 --> 00:55:51,850 Do you know what? Save your apologies. He's due any minute in the birthing 649 00:55:51,850 --> 00:55:55,390 process. It's literally one of the scariest things you can possibly 650 00:55:56,010 --> 00:55:57,010 So we're leaving. 651 00:55:57,230 --> 00:55:59,390 Help me up, Nick. Help me up. Give me your weight, baby. Don't drop me. Don't 652 00:55:59,390 --> 00:56:01,910 drop me. Surrender to me. Okay, okay. Get the bag. Get the bag. 653 00:56:02,530 --> 00:56:03,530 Get the car ready. 654 00:56:03,930 --> 00:56:04,930 It's outrageous. 655 00:56:04,970 --> 00:56:05,970 I don't know why we even bother. 656 00:56:11,220 --> 00:56:12,320 And they come out the back.